he made a mistake in our second year by cheating on me but he hasnt cheated on me since … but im still stuck i think …

q-100Ok I love my boyfriend we have been together for a little over 4 years and have 2 beautiful little girls together ones almost 3 and the other is 14 months he made a mistake in our second year by cheating on me but he hasnt cheated on me since … but im still stuck i think … he says it was an ugly mistake and he has changed alot which he says is because hes trying to prove himself he got a job and hes a great dad we have our good weeks / months we have fun… but then sometimes we can be distant is it because I might be still worried and how do i let go I want us to last and make it work but how do i let go of my insecure ness I know Im beautiful and he loves my personality but he hates when I bring up the past he works with alot of women since hes in the ski indústrie how do i get over the worries how do i clear my mind I see his change and im even more in love but there is still a lump in my throat when he talks to women… do i just drop it or what…

 


 

a-100HI,

Good news! You love your boyfriend and he has shown you, with his behavior, that he cares and wants the relationship.

Good question! Are you stuck?

It’s hard to get over the sense of betrayal you feel when someone you believe cares about, and is committed to you, cheats. That said: you stayed together. It seems he learned from his “ugly mistake” and changed his ways. What people do is what matters, not what they say. If he is demonstrating to you that he learned a valuable lesson and you and the girls are what he wants, then he’s doing his part.

Would you like to be reminded of a mistake you once made and never repeated? I’m sure the answer is “no.”  No one does. We want to be able to move on and change. I’m sure you’re a different woman than you were four years ago by virtue of becoming a partner, then a mom, and then having to grow beyond betrayal. From your account, he seems to have decided what is important to him and acted on it.

So, my answer to your question is this:

  • forgive him
  • let him know you appreciate the changes he has made
  • share with him that your bringing up the past comes from your fear of repeating it and that you now understand from his behavior that that fear is unfounded.
  • Apologize for sustaining the hurt by bringing it up.
  • Make an agreement that, if either of you should ever be tempted to stray, that you talk it out with each other, rather than act on it. It will strengthen your relationship to know your partner has your back, even in difficult moments.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

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If you want to talk about further, you can book an appointment with me, or a seat in one of our three Exercising Love™ Private Relationship Seminars for the two of you, by CLICKING HERE. 

January 31, 2015   92    Spouse/Partner  
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