q-100My long distance girlfriend of four years broke u with me 5 weeks ago 2 days after i flew to Baltimore to be with her in a wedding after i flew back to Atlanta and she went to stay a week with her parents in jersey before going back home in florida, Suddenly communication was very rare for three days than the following day she called me and said we needed to break up for good and she sounded very adamant saying that we were going nowhere. Only to find out two days later that she had met a guy days ago through a friend.
she said they instantly hit it off and spent he already introduced her to his parents and vice versa. I did all the wrong things by chasing her and begging. She responded saying that its to late and that he was already flying to florida to be with her the next day.
Fast forward 3 weeks, she began blowing up my phone saying she was confused and upset that she ruined our relationship but was still with the guy and wanted to see where it goes but that she feels heartbroken and not sure if she made the right decision, saying that if we lived together it would work out and that her family and friends knew we were in love.
three days later she told me not to talk to her because she is in love and he loves her back after a couple week and that he recently quit his job in new York to move to and they are getting an apartment together. I am 6 months from finishing medical school and becoming a doctor which would have allowed us to get engaged and move in together and she knows this. Her mother and friends are really upset with her actions and keep contacting me to fix us and talk sense into her about moving extremely fast. She claimed that she did it because we have no future.



Im currentely in no contact with her for two weeks and givng her space to figure out what she wants. I love her so much and always thought we would get married, I know her actions are the signs of a passive aggressive person. So i don’t think she’ll try contacting me because that me because she would be admitting she made a mistake.




I’m sorry for the delay in answering this very immediate question.  Long distance relationships are fraught with possible difficulties, as you know well.

This woman is very confused, and is playing both sides of the field: she wants you back and wants you to leave her alone. That is more than passive-aggressive behavior, however, that’s not the main issue for you right now.

Let’s leave it at “she’s confused.” I’m guessing that she was primed for leaving the relationship in any case, at some level, because she needed more attention, more focus, more time, more of you, or more something than you were giving her. It may have been a reasonable or unreasonable expectation on her part, but she was definitely open to new possibilities. She may not have been consciously aware that she was that open and was, perhaps, equally surprised by her behavior.  These things don’t “just happen” even when they appear to, or when we want to be able to say they did. She was open to it for some reason.

You’re right: begging, chasing and pleading are poor strategies. You simply gave her more power over you emotionally. Are you not confused, outraged or betrayed at what she did? Where is your sense of self in all this? She showed you who she is and what she values, and you want more of her???  If you think this is her “acting out” to get your attention and that plying her with apologies and promises will change it, you are building a poor foundation for a long-term relationship anyway. Do you see that?

It’s not about rebound or real. It is about your appropriate response to this. You are hurt, surprised, betrayed and confused by her behavior. My advice to you is to deal with your feelings and your side of the relationship by getting some professional help. That will help you sort out thoughts, feelings and decisions. Take the focus off her and put it on yourself. You are close to embarking on a very responsible career and use this to learn more about yourself, your values, your vision for your life, and your purpose.

Let her go, lovingly, without blame, shame or manipulation. If she figures herself out, is free of all encumbrances, and wants to get back together with you in a few months, tell her that you would have to have counseling together before you would consider it. That way, if you love her and she wants you to accept her again, you will start with a much more honest, clear foundation. I would be happy to talk with you both at any time, as I do that with many couples through Skype. If that appeals to you, you can schedule an appointment yourself online at www.OptimizeCenter.com/join

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

188    Spouse/Partner  
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