q-100Dr. Rhoberta, I am struggling to understand why someone would throw a relationship away when there is any sort of dispute or conflict, or why they refuse to discuss anything in person, face to face, heart to heart. Their preference is to refuse to speak with you for weeks at a time. The first time that happened , I couldn’t believe it and I did express that I could not go through that experience again….a couple months later I said something and it happened again…I just don’t understand why when two people seem at first to be so at ease with one another why the other person doesn’t seem to have a problem in throwing it all away..I don’t understand how you can be on top of the world one day with your loved one, ask them a question the next day that they didn’t want to answer, ie weekend plans in which we had tentatively planned to spend Sunday together…but instead she made plans with someone else just that Friday morning. I guess she just wasn’t going to tell me and I did find that odd and upsetting especially when now I am being told everything is my fault….I just don’t know how to handle being told we had something special but a day later…I ask a question and the relationship is over….We got into the crazy making behavior and neither of us hearing the other and this was never face to face but in emails, …..I just don’t know how to get over being led to believe we had something of great value but then have her walk away from it. I don’t know what to get over the fact that it is easier for her to walk away than it is for her to have worked on our relationship…How does one get over feeling dispensable?
Thanks,
Carol

 


 

a-100Hello, Carol,

First, I want to applaud your wisdom in facing this question earlier rather than later.

You asked a good question: how does one get over feeling dispensable? If a person’s behaviors towards you have a pattern of demonstrating that you are dispensable, that is a clear point to talk about. If the behavior continues, you leave the relationship and heal.

My thoughts on the behaviors you have described with this person contain a few possibilities:

  • She’s not ready for a relationship, or wants to slip into one slowly and she doesn’t know how to tell you that. She hopes her behavior will speak for her.
  • She is passive-aggressive and this behavior will spill over into other areas of your lives together.
  • She has deeper problems than you may want to deal with, than she wants to deal with, or that she is even capable of acknowledging.
  • She’s not that into you, and you would be well advised to understand that from her behaviors

My immediate advice is to take two of my free checklists. This will help you determine what’s really going on:

  1. Passive-Aggressive Checklists
  2. Relationship Checklist

If you need to talk this through after you have done this, I work with clients all over the world through the magic of Skype®. You can book time with me HERE.

You’ll find many other helpful blog posts on this site , too.

I wish you well with this.

Dr. Shaler

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