I’ve gone a week and half with no contact but wondering at what point I should reach out to her again or if I should wait for her to contact me?

q-100Hi there, I began dating a friend of mine who is 40 years old and her and I were together for 11 months. It seemed like things were serious as she moved to a townhouse closer to me so that we could see each other during the week. During the time we were together I was going through a separation from my ex-wife and throughout the relationship she would listen to my stories about my kids, bought them things before she even met them. I finalized the divorce and months later I was ready to introduce her to my kids because I believed I loved her. My daughter has an anxiety issue over big events like birthdays where she has thrown up in the past if she was told about them beforehand. I came up with the idea for her to meet us at the zoo but my idea was for us to “bump into her” so that it wasn’t too much pressure on my kids and to avoid my daughters anxiety issue. My intensions were good but this idea made her mad since she felt that she deserved better since she waited so long. She broke up over the phone with me over this idea. I realized later that I could have compromised and told my kids on the way there ( instead of the night before ) that they would be meeting someone but that day had already past and she has mostly shut me out. She seemed like she was leaning towards coming back and then stopped contacting me. I probably overpursued her as well. I tried to compromise again and introduce them on Halloween and another time but she refused to come out. She eventually met them at an event but it wasn’t how she envisioned. I want her back in my life but she says we don’t see eye to eye and we don’t communicate well. We both did some blaming and she’s adamant that she is done with the relationship. I apologized to her in detail on what I could of done better and how I understood her. Her response was: Thank you! I’m going to need more time before I can talk to you. I hope you understand. I’ve gone a week and half with no contact but wondering at what point I should reach out to her again or if I should wait for her to contact me?

 


 

a-100Hi,

I’m glad you wrote.

First, stop blaming yourself. I think your plan of “bumping into her” accidentally at the zoo was a good one, considering your daughter’s anxiety issues. Apparently, this woman cannot understand that there are other considerations beyond what she wants. If your relationship with her had real grounding, the two of you would have considered your daughter’s feelings and come up with a suitable plan together. In the doing of that, you may have uncovered her seemingly strong feeling that she “deserves” to be introduced to your children formally as your girlfriend. This is what raises a red flag for me about her. If she were to become a step-parent, she would have to understand that family relationships are all about working things out. Everyone doesn’t get what they want, when they want it–including her. It’s about what’s best for the family.

I take it that she has not been married successfully before, and she has no children. Otherwise, she would understand your considerations.

When you honestly mention that you “probably overpursued her,” you give me an insight into your own needs. When you are leaving a marriage, you want to engage in a new relationship that makes you feel good. You’re not in a healthy place at that time, and you  do things that seem unwise in retrospect. This relationship may be one of them, especially as you say “because I believed I loved her.” I notice that statement is in the past tense! Is that a slip on your part, or is that what you really mean?  Worth looking at!

My advice is to get clear on what you really want, and whether or not her recent behavior tells you some things about her you need to know. That’s first. Secondly, let her contact you, after you have done some soul-searching in light of my answers. If you need help to sort this out, let’s talk soon. You can make an appointment for a Skype session HERE.)

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

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January 31, 2015   145    Spouse/Partner  
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