Im jealous and i dont know what to do.

q-100I have been with my boyfriend about a year now. He used to message his ex a lot at the start of our relationship but realised it was disrespectful after many talks about it, 6 months in.

But there is still another thing I worry about: He has a friend that he met about three years ago while travelling. At this time, he was seeing someone else at the time, but as soon as she left the two had a drunken kiss. Apparently nothing more. I asked him how it was instigated, he said he didnt know, it just happened. Although I found out months later that he had instigated it but hadn’t wanted to tell me. Apparently nothing happened after this kiss (I think the girl he was seeing came back for a bit). He came home from travelling, and they became very close, they told each other everything and they talked about sex as well. She told him a man had never made her cum, so he bought her a vibrator online and told her to try it out. They skyped, called and messaged, flirted, sent pictures daily I think for a while. This was all before me and him were together. Now it is probably weekly messages and some calls. Less flirting and more of a friendship. I need to know what this friendship is. If I am right to be wary and jealous. He says he never wanted to sleep with her, but I find it hard to believe. I don’t know what to make of it and not sure if I can be in a relationship with him because of their previous friendship, and how do I know they no longer flirt? Not sure if I’m being ridiculous or not. She lives on the other side of the world (where he met her). could you tell me an outsiders opinion please. I am too embarrassed to tell my friends that my boyfriend is friends with somebody he once bought a vibrator for. He is with me now and she is now in a relationship, I don’t like it in general, but also worried what it will be like if she becomes single again or moves back. :s
Thanks.

 


 

a-100Hi,

You are wise to be asking these questions. First of all, be clear that all this vibrator business happened before you two met. That was an exceptionally “friendly” thing he did, and more than a little surprising. It is likely that he was having intimate thoughts about her during that time.

You are right to tell him how texting and chatting with her makes you feel and what you would prefer he do. That’s all you can do, though, and then see what he does. Accordingly, you say he finally understood that you found it disrespectful (and, I would think, also disconcerting and concerning) and he reduced his contact with her. Friends stay in touch, so, you are now having to trust that his interactions with her are completely platonic.

I think that you need to examine your relationship with him for any other signs that would cause you to question your trust in him. If there are more signs, or questionable behaviors, then you will have to make a decision about whether or not you can live with the behaviors and desires. If there is only this issue and she lives on the other side of the world, you may or may not be making more of it in your own mind than actually exists. If he wanted to be in relationship with her, he would be making plans to move closer and end his relationship with you–if she were interested. He’s not doing that, it seems.

But, I think your concern is that it feels like emotional infidelity. Is that right? You question if his relationship with her has strong boundaries about which both parties are clear and agreed. You may never know. What you can do–and  I recommend it–is to decide to trust him. Trust is a gift you give, not something earned as so many people maintain. When he actually shows you he is untrustworthy, rather than you suspecting or assuming that he may not be trustworthy, you can make a new decision. I know that this sounds like it can lead you to make a mistake.

No one wants to be caught off-guard by someone’s behavior. You want to take care of what you can take care of in a responsible manner or you would not be writing to me. We cannot control the behavior of others, and we ideally do not want to control the behavior of someone we love. It just doesn’t work out well for anyone.

In your case, I think that you would get more peace, understanding and insight if you and I talked together for a session or two. There are underlying emotions that are at play here, more than I can write about. If you’d like to talk, you can schedule an appointment at www.OptimizeCenter.com/join .  Otherwise, I wish you well.  If you have further questions for me, just use this link to ask them.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

January 31, 2015   114    Spouse/Partner  
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