I’m getting mixed messages… what do I do?

q-100Dr Shaler:
I really need some advice right now. Whenever I meet someone everything will be good for the first couple of days and then no contact in for awhile. At times I believe it was something I said or maybe their playing games with me. I’m so stressed out and I don’t deserve to be in this mindset. For example a guy I like name Tony and we haven’t talked since Monday. His birthday is today and I left him a voice message and no response. Then I saw him upload a video of him last night with his friends. He would sent me messages with hearts and lips so he’s giving me mixed signals which is confusing me. I do want to bring it up and question on what he wants. Is that the right move?

 


 

a-100Hi,

I can hear that this is a very frustrating pattern you are seeing.  Have you had any long term relationships?

The fact that you say this happens often cause me to wonder about where you are meeting these people. If you meet them online, this is the kind of game-playing that is common there. People enjoy the initial, lovey-dovey endearments and hearts and flowers chatter, but it is meaningless. it just makes them feel cool and connected. Sometimes, that happens when you meet folks elsewhere, too.

There are three things that could be going sideways for you:

  1. You are meeting the wrong kind of guys.
  2. You are doing something that sends them scurrying.
  3. It is jut bad timing for the relationship.

When you don’t go through a friendship phases before the hearts and flowers, you take a risk. You simply don’t get to know who the person is behind the lovey talk. That’s lethal to a healthy relationship. That happens when folks are desperate to be part of a couple.

Depending on your age, you may be meeting guys who are more interested in hook-ups than relationships. They run when they sense anything long-term.

Consider what you talk about when you first meet a guy. Do you find out if they are looking to be around for a good time or a long time? That’s important. They won’t know if they want to be with you for a long time at that point but they may know if they are ready for a real relationship. Just look for the information. Don’t be pushy about it.

I hope that helps. Let me know by writing here again and reminding me of this answer.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

January 19, 2015   116    Dating  
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