My husband had an extra-marital relationship and refuses to acknowledge it.

q-100My husband had an extra-marital relationship and refuses to acknowledge it. I am still in love with him and want to make our relationship work. Funds are scare and we cannot afford therapy. We are getting along fine at the moment, communicating about everything except the main issue. We are not being intimate. I also have deep trust issues. How can we work on our relationship, to make it the healthy, loving and respectful relationship of a few years ago. We are in our 26th year of marriage.




I’m sorry that you’ve had this difficult turn in the road of your relationship. Trust is essential and it is devastating when it is broken. It can be rebuilt with help and time.

The truth is that you are not “getting alone fine at the moment.” You are both avoiding dealing with the rhino in the room!  And the rhino insists on being seen as you are not being intimate and you are not telling the truth to each other.

It is unfortunate that you cannot get any professional help right now, as that would expose the rhino. First and foremost, you MUST talk about the incident, or the extra-marital relationship, so that you can both learn from it. Before you do that, here are a few questions you need to consider:

  • Were you having difficulties in your relationship before he stepped outside of it?
  • Had things drifted apart?
  • Were you taking each other for granted?
  • Has your husband demonstrated any flirting or other indications of interest in other women before?
  • How long did the affair last?
  • How did you find out?
  • What has he said about it to you?
  • Why are you avoiding talking about it?
  • How do you really feel about all this?
  • Do you, your husband or both of you have a spiritual belief system that this violates?

I’ll be able to respond more appropriately if I have more information. Just identify your issue and write your responses in another submission to this page. I will answer here. I do not respond to personal emails so it needs to be here on this page.

Dr. Shaler

Take my free Relationship Checklist and see what is really going on in your relationship. CLICK HERE

January 31, 2015   127    Spouse/Partner  
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