Do I have to follow his same method to end my suffering every night or how do I address him properly to work on together with our relationship issues?

q-100My hubby said…arguments and mis understanding is un necessary to discuss, if u look at situation as a problem it will become problems. So never consider problem as a problem just ignore and “solving problem is not a solution” let the problem dissolve over time. He said a wise man ignores the problem. I’m just an ordinary wife who thinks that certain mis understanding should be settled and talking over the issues is important for me as I don’t want the same problem to just come back again and again bcoz all we do is don’t talk and ignore it. I already told him this issues a lot of times but he never listened. I can’t sleep at night and it’s stressing me. Do I have to follow his same method to end my suffering every night or how do I address him properly to work on together with our relationship issues? Pls advise. Thank you. Ellaine



Hello, Ellaine,

Your husband seems to think that ignorance is bliss. Sure, some times someone has a bad day, does or says something uncharacteristic of him or her, and it is wise to just let it pass on through. That is because you know it is not a problem. It was simply situational. Things that repeat are problems, not situational. They have to be addressed, given voice to and worked through. There is no fairy dust that simply takes them away.

Your husband likely does not want to face change, change within himself, within you, or within the relationship. For many people, that is frightening. For you, it is frightening NOT to address the change.

It seems, too, that your husband is not considering or respecting your needs or feelings. That is worrisome because such a pattern leads to deterioration of the relationship and it can be abusive as it invalidates your feelings, thoughts and desires repeatedly.

I suggest to say this to him:  “I really care about our relationship and you. I care about myself, too. I know that I am stressed because there is never a resolution to things that go wrong in our relationship. I want to talk about things and agree on new ways of being together that work better. I need your help with this and want things to improve. Will you help me?”

If he says no to this, then you say this: “I cannot do this alone, and this is too hard on me. I will get outside help, then, and see a counselor. ”

It is likely that he will not want you to be talking about your relationship with a therapist without him present. (I say that because he is constantly sweeping negatives under the carpet.) So, he may then agree to talk with you, or he may agree to go for counseling with you.

After you try this, I hope you’ll write back here, remind me of your story, and tell me how it progressed. If it doesn’t work in any of those ways, I have other ideas for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

January 31, 2015   118    Spouse/Partner  
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