Ex’s and Friends of Ex’s… and old friends… what to do??

q-100I had a close guy friend and we’ve had crushes on each other since middle school. I just recently got single and I wanted to get back with my Ex but I think he deserves. Better girl. I’ve known my close friend for 9yrs of my life. We have been intimate once before, but we never dated cause my mother didn’t want me with this guy. This guy is a friend of my ex boyfriend, but he understands my situation and he has been helpful and loving. I want to be with him but then at the same time I feel like I’d betray my ex’s family since they consider this guy a “bestfriend,” he doesn’t live near me but he’s always been there for me. I just want to know if it’s a bad idea to actually give this guy a shot? He’s talked to me and I know he likes me but then again I don’t know if he just wants sex from me or a real relationship.

 


 

a-100Hi,

I can certainly grasp your dilemma. It gets complicated when families are involved.

From what you have written it is unclear to me what you are saying about getting back with your ex. Are you saying that you think your ex deserves a better girl?  If that’s the case, we have more to talk about than the answer to your question.

If you have considered getting back with your ex, is this friend your actual choice of a person to be with, or a fall back guy because you cannot have your ex? You do know that you can be single for a few months and regain your sense of center before taking up another relationship, right?

You say your friend “understands your situation and has been helpful and loving.” Is there something there that would help me give you the most insightful answer I can?

You don’t “give someone a shot”! That speaks to me of wanting a place filler, not feeling attracted, loving and respectful.  From all that you’ve said, my advice to you is to take some time for yourself, without a man. It seems that you would do well to really think about the focus and purpose of a relationship for you. Healthy relationships grow organically through shared attraction, values, interests, trust and respect.

You don’t “get” a guy. That is usually based on sexual attraction, rather than on things that matter.  Guys should be interested in who you are, not in your “put out potential.”  Steer clear of guys who see you as a sexual object and treat you that way. You know in your heart when this is happening.  AND, preserve your dignity. A guy doesn’t make you the person you want to be. You do!

About the family issues: although you are wise to be respectful, the main issue is not for you to be concerned about. Your friend is the one with that problem. He has to decide what to do about that, where his loyalties lie.

I hope this helps.  If you have a further question or want to provide more information for me, please do so by sending another question to http://ForRelationshipHelp.com/ask-a-question. 

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

You can work with Dr. Rhoberta Shaler directly, in-person, by phone or through Skype or Google+. You can even schedule your own appointment conveniently online at http://OptimizeCenter.com/join

Have you taken Dr. Shaler’s free Relationship Checklist? You can learn a lot. Try it HERE. 

January 19, 2015   101    Dating  
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