q-100My girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 months now and she has recently told me she wants to become closer to god so we are no longer having intimacy anywhere . I’m barely allowed to kiss her without her getting mad at me . Everything was fine until we stopped having sex . I don’t know what to do




This is a difficult shift in your relationship. Your girlfriend has made a major change in her life that affects you deeply and she wants you to accept her new values. She has clearly indicated that her new values are more important than you are. She has every right to make these choices in her life. You have every right to respond to them in your own way.

This is a turning point in your relationship, as you well know. This is the time for you to examine what you want here and make a decision. Your girlfriend has clearly stated that she has a new found intimacy with her spiritual path, and that she wants you to accept that. She has chosen her relationship with her spiritual values over the relationship she had with you. That is not a judgment. It is not right or wrong, good or bad. It just IS.

Now it is your turn to choose. I’ve worked with several people whose partners have had a spiritual turning point and wanted–or demanded–that their partners honor their new found beliefs.  When you change, you cannot demand that others change with you and just go along with it without major upset. The only time it works is when one person really wants out of the relationship anyway. This gives a good reason to split.

When you said “everything was fine until we stopped having sex,” that was a red flag to me.  Sex is a healthy component of a committed relationship, but love and respect must be there first.  After only six months, I don’t know how committed either of you is, or how committed you should be. Although you don’t mention it, I’m thinking that you are both quite young.

This might be a good time to let go of your girlfriend and let her pursue her relationship with God. On the other hand, if you also have a relationship with God and this makes sense to you, then you might choose to alter your stance on pre-marital sex. There is no right answer here. But, it is a crossroads in your relationship.

You have to take a stand, just as she did. Is sex more important than values? Is a relationship with God dependent on not having sex? Big questions. Only you know the right answer for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

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189    Spouse/Partner  
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