I ended the relationship but feel everything is my fault! 1/2

q-100I like your website and advise it all sounds excellent! I have recently ended my 2 year relationship with my ex PA boyfriend. I am so confused and upset it has ended but I began to feel very unhappy and trapped in an arguementative relationship. I love this man dearly but things never improved over time and I just could take what the arguing was doing to both of us. We had a child who is only 8 months old. I ended the relationship but feel everything is my fault! I couldn’t cope with the mind games and silent treatment. Please help. Tracy from the UK



a-100Dear Tracy,

It is not uncommon to make a well thought out decision and then second guess yourself. You simply have to remind yourself how well you thought out the initial decision, and then respect your decision.  And, yes, unfortunately, that’s often neither simple nor easy!

If your ex was truly a passive-aggressive man–and I hope you took my free Passive-Aggressive Checklist with him in mind to be sure, then arguing, being told you are at fault no matter what the issue, the forgetting, the overlooking and overstepping are all crazy-making behaviors that lead to you second guessing yourself in each instance. Not surprising, then, that you are in that habit.  It may take time to change so be patient with yourself.

To remove yourself and your child from that situation is a vote in favor of a better life. I’ve worked with men who have accepted that they are passive-aggressive and want to change. It’s not impossible, however, the man has to be committed to the change process. That is in direct contrast to him making you feel as though you should be committed by living with him…lol!

The best help I could give you would be to work together through Skype or Google+, and if that is possible, you can make an appointment online HERE.  The next best help I can offer is to remember, in those moments when you question the wisdom of your breakup, that you did it for reasons of the emotional and mental well-being of you and your child. Good mothers do that!

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

January 31, 2015   108    Spouse/Partner  
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