q-100I really don’t know the question I want to ask.

My wife and parents are saying that I have made the last year hell,

Last year I decided that I was not backing down on one more issue, it culminated on memorial day, with a man that my father wanted my wife to escort to after party drinks running for his life, my father slapping me for being so rude to one of his guests. then I piled him up in the corner of my kitchen, after I returned his slap with  backhand and a warning the next time he tried to interfere with my life I would not be this nice.

My wife was put notice also, I told her in my house I was the only word that mattered, not my father or his friends and if she did not like this the street was out front, put her feet on it and pick a direction.

I have backed off for 32 years, The time for negotiation is past, They say I need to learn to compromise but to me compromise means just sit down and take it in the teeth again. When it should be each side works together.

Is my attitude wrong, should I just pack up and find a place to just be out of the way?


 

a-100Hello,

Wow! That is a lot of pain, frustration and anger taken out in an entirely inappropriate way.  I applaud you for writing, though, as it shows the beginning of realizing that you might be able to learn better ways to handle things.

No matter how much you have restrained yourself in the past, no matter how poorly you and your wife (and others) have learned to manage conflict effectively, you NEVER have the right to become physical with another human being. That is the ultimate disrespect. It quickly tells people that they are not safe around you, and pushes them to be afraid of you. It will NEVER lead them to respect you. So, you have done exactly what you didn’t want to do!

It takes two to create a problem of this magnitude. It also takes two to learn to communicate and move purposefully closer to each other. The fact that you did not step up to communicate over the past years is your doings, not your wife’s, nor your father’s. It’s on you. You do not have a right to abuse and that is exactly what you did. AND, it doesn’t matter if you think you have a good reason. Abuse is abuse. I hope you see that.

Next steps for you: apologize genuinely for what you did WITH NO WORDS ABOUT WHAT THEY DID OR DID NOT DO. You must apologize for what you chose to do.

Then, get help to learn to get in touch with and  communicate your feelings, your thoughts, your values, your needs and your wants.

Learn to do this with your wife and it will spill over into your other relationships. (I can help you to do this if the two of you are willing to meet with me on Skype. You can schedule an appointment with me by CLICKING HERE. )

No matter how frustrated you have been or currently are, violence is no answer and it only creates more pain. You likely know that now. So, ask your wife if she is willing to work with you to create a new, more loving, healthy and functional relationship. If she is, let’s talk soon. If she isn’t, the relationship may not be salvageable at this time, and maybe not at all.

I hope you have learned from this outburst that you are best learning to communicate when you first notice things you don’t like in a relationship and solve them right then. Do not let things pile up because resentment also piles up and has a really nasty way of escaping sometimes.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

You can work directly with me, in-person or through Skype, to immediately start making a positive difference in your relationships. Schedule a session HERE now. 

196    Parents / In-Laws, Self, Spouse/Partner    
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