If I don’t say anything, I only get more paranoid and passive aggressive..

q-100Rhoberta,

This is going to be a long one, but I need to give you all the information so you can give me an educated answer. I’m sorry.

Ive been living with my boyfriend for a year now. We have the same interests (we’re both video game nerds, both have a silly sense of humor, etc. We gt along great and always have stuff to talk about.) When we started dating, we had sex three, even four, times a day and we were very passionate. I didnt work at the time, so I was always home. Six months in I got a full-time job, and noticed signs of him being less interested in me. He has a special laptop under his bed for porn, which he showed me and we share. (I’m okay with porn, and I believe it’s perfectly healthy once in a while). However, I noticed a habit of his was to go to pictures of his friends on Facebook, and save them to his laptop and (presumably) masturbate to them. That was the first thing that bothered me. It is important to note at this point that I am not old, nor ugly. My breasts are perky, and 32DDD. My waist is flat and my ribs show through. I can also tell you that any man with a fetish for cute teenage girls would fuck me in a heartbeat (incidentally, my boyfriend love that kind of thing).
Upon further inspection i found that he had about 10 girls he frequented, one of which being his best friend’s little sister. I said nothing and pretended not to know. I found that he would practically wait for me to leave, and 10 minutes later would go to his pictures (sometimes two or three times a day), even if right before I left I expressed to him that I was horny and wanted to have sex (which in these instances he would tell me he didn’t feel like it). I dealt with it, silently suffering, for 4 months. Oftentimes he wouldn’t feel like having sex with me for days but kept returning to his pictures. And I became subtly passive aggressive. At that point, I found an opportunity to mention it to him. He said that he used to jerk off to pictures of his friends, but he felt bad about it because of me and he didn’t do it anymore. (A quick check of internet history on his laptop exposed that lie). I still said nothing. Two weeks ago, I couldn’t stay quiet any longer and told him that I knew what the pictures on his laptop were. I began to cry and he reassured me that he would never actually cheat on me and that he loves me more than anything. His reasoning was, and I quote: “sometimes I just feel like being with someone different, it’s just a fantasy. Dont you ever feel that way?”. I said no. Because I know that if I masturbated to pictures of my friends, my boyfriend would be furious. He’s even told me so. And if he really feels that way, is he even really ready for a relationship with a single person? Now, at that time I told him “I know the pictures you’ve saved are recent. Computers SAVE the date and time of saved documents and pictures.” He DENIED it and talked over me, saying that he doesn’t do that anymore (hooray for lie number two. Tangible evidence is a bitch. But I didn’t call him on it.)
At my request he deleted all of those pictures. Roughly 2,300 pictures. The most frequently occuring one was Katie, his best friend’s sister, who had a whopping 601 pictures saved to my boyfriend’s hard drive. So…I confronted him, calmly and without aggression. He could tell how badly it hurt me. That was the mature thing to do.

It wasn’t, and isn’t, over. A week after that conversation, while I was sleeping in the other room, he masturbated to those girls on facebook. He carelessly left the kleenex filled with his cum on the coffee table, sticking to the glass. He isn’t necessarily the brightest when it comes to hiding things.

How do I know, you ask? Because I unfortunately know his Facebook password and how to check his search history. I can see what time he searched and what he searched for, and he has no idea. He did it again today while I was at work. KNOWING how much it bothers me. I knew before that he was selfish, immature, and lacked empathy and understanding of other people’s feelings, but the sheer nerve and purposefulness of the act surprises me even so.

My question is a great deal shorter than the background information:
What can I do now? What can I say?

If I tell him I know, I prove that I’ve been snooping on his stuff. He would lose trust in me (then again I have lost all trust in his honesty). I’ve told him before I’m not going to be ome of those women that says “if you ever watch porn again I’m leaving you”. But it isn’t fair, for how much I put into this, I how much I do for him. Don’t i deserve a little something too?

If I don’t say anything, I only get more paranoid and passive aggresive.

At what point is risking the entire relationship worth the possibility of making it better? I don’t have the courage to do it.

I don’t even think you have an answer for me… mainly because I don’t know that you’ll give me an answer I want to hear.

But if you try, thank you. I appreciate the time it must take you to do this.

Sincerely,
“Sad Puppy”

 


 

a-100Hello,

What a sad tale, Sad Puppy! You are likely  in relationship with a sex addict.  People who hide their sexual activity, and lie about it, know they have a problem. When you confront him, it only makes it more real to him so he fights it.

Your boyfriend is both emotionally and physically unfaithful. Sure, he is not in bed with another woman…and, we cannot be so sure about that, can we?  He is finding pleasure in other women. That is infidelity, no matter how you might like to argue that it isn’t!

You’re right. I’m not likely to tell you the answer you want to hear. This man is fooling himself and trying to fool you, too. He is hoping you will buy what he is selling, and even he does not believe what he is selling!

This statement you made says it all: “I knew before that he was selfish, immature, and lacked empathy and understanding of other people’s feelings, but the sheer nerve and purposefulness of the act surprises me even so.”  Don’t be a masochist! This man has told you all you need to know about him to decide to move on. He has a better relationship with his computer than he has with you, and he has access to other women there 24/7–and he’s taking advantage of it.

RUN, don’t walk!  What self-respecting woman who is honest with herself would want to be with a man who, as you say, is selfish, immature and lacking empathy!

We really need to talk, girl. I hope you’ll make an appointment right away and we can have a session by Skype.  Make an appointment here. 

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

Do yourself a favor. Take my free online Relationship Checklist now, and gain insight into your relationship. 

January 31, 2015   105    Spouse/Partner  
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