why can’t he understand how i feel when he interacts with other women?

q-100I am an Indian lady. I got married in 2009. After 4 years of marriage my husband and I decided that my husband should study further and do an MBA. In 2013 he moved to US for his studies, he shares his apartment with two other guys… while I stay in India alone working for an IT company, I manage everything on my own and I am never appreciated for my sacrifice.

I trust my husband but there have been a few times when I didn’t like my husband’s friendliness to a couple of his female friends. Instead of trying to understand my feelings my husband calls me insecure. If I were insecure I would have never encouraged him to move to US for his MBA.
He has a junior in his college who is too outgoing. My husband and I had a few conversations where he himself accepted that this junior is way too open with guys. Few weeks ago I was visiting my husband in the US, he gave me his phone to make a dinner reservation at a restaurant, while making the call for reservation, I noticed that my husband had called this girl. I calmly told him that I see that he had made a call to her number and he told me that since he stayed close to her apartment the girl wanted my husband to check on her house as she doubted that she left her cooking gas knob open before she left for college. And then my husband told me that I didn’t trust him and that’s why I was questioning him etc. I told him that I would have never questioned had he already told me that he called this girl. We had quite some discussion and he said that he didn’t care about such girls.

This afternoon I was browsing through Facebook and see that my husband likes her pics that she recently posted. I felt a little upset and later had an argument with my husband again. And as he always does he called me “insecure”
I just want to know if I am really wrong here. Shouldn’t he understand my feeling specially when I am miles apart and staying here alone so he has a better career?

 


 

a-100Hello,

The pattern of behavior that you are describing is common. It’s called passive-aggressive behavior. Instead of listening to your concerns and discussing his behavior with you honestly, while understanding your fears, he blames you for being “insecure.” Only you know if you are insecure in any way, regardless of your willingness for him to further his career by studying in the US.

It is likely though, from what you say and how you say it, that your husband may have something to hide. Perhaps, you two have not–or cannot–discuss openly the issues that come up for each of you from separation, loneliness, resentment and other difficulties that go with your long-term choice in favor of his career. He did give you his phone, so he wasn’t attempting to hide that. He’s open with his Facebook page, so he’s not hiding there.

So, two things are likely true:

  1. He wants you to feel comfortable with him having women friends and, by hiding nothing, he hopes you can rest and trust him.
  2. He wants you to see what he’s up to and confront him, so that he can say that hid nothing. Then, he may hope you will threaten to leave him so he can make it your fault because you are “insecure” and “unreasonable” going through his phone and his Facebook.

If either of those extremes fit for you, knowing that might help. If the truth lies somewhere in between, you need to figure it out. Get some relationship help from a professional now, before it goes any further within you. (We can talk by Skype, if you like.)

I have worked with so many couples, and many in long-distance relationships. It’s a difficult way to be together and trust issues are the most frequent. If your husband is due to come home soon, perhaps, you will be able to forget these behaviors once he’s home and settled in again. I’d suggest doing that. If he really does have a wandering eye once he’s home, you will know that your concerns were well-founded and make decisions regarding your relationship then.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

Twice a month, you can get fresh relationship insights and skills by subscribing to Tips For Relationships HERE. 

January 31, 2015   116    Spouse/Partner  
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