What can we do now to minimize any effects of divorce on our kids?

q-100My husband and I are thinking of filing for divorce and we have 2 kids 5yr old and a 2yr old. What can we do now to minimize any effects of divorce on our kids

 

 


 

a-100Hi,

You are “thinking” of filing for divorce? Either you know you want to be together and work on your relationship or you know you don’t want to be together and you are working on your divorce.

If you know you are getting a divorce, you then know that you are going to separate. That is the first step in talking with the children and minimizing impact. Divorce is difficult for kids in the best of the situations. Living with parents who are abusive, angry, or cold is also very difficult. So, if you are separating, first thing is to tell the children only what they can understand at 2 and 5.

  • Mommy and Daddy love and care about you very much.
  • Mommy and Daddy need to have separate places to live.
  • Mommy and Daddy know this is sad and we are going to do our best to keep your lives the same as possible.

That’s the simple beginning. Children at 2 and 5 do not have reasoning and logic powers and they run entirely on their feelings. They don’t need logistics, they need to know they are loved and cared for as a top priority. They also need to know that there is nothing they have done that has caused you to separate. Little children are very ego-centric and think that they are causing the world to turn. You need to assure them that this is entirely between mommy and daddy.

Once you are separated, spend extra time with the children playing and hugging. This will give them time to talk or ask questions if they have them. Just be available to the kids…and listening.

I offer a very comprehensive Co-Parenting program that I suggest you make the time to take together. It is offered privately in two two-hour sessions in person or thru Skype. When you have considered all the concepts in that program together, you will be confident that you are doing a much more enlightened joy of co-parenting and minimizing as much potential for difficulties as possible. It’s important to take it together, if possible.

Divorce involves much more than the four of you. You each will have parents, siblings, and friends who will have opinions, feelings and thoughts that they may too freely share with you and with your children–or in their hearing. It is important that your children be kept safe from too many opinions and interferences, no matter how well-meaning they may be.

Also, we VERY sure you only speak well of each other in the presence of the children. They are going through enough without being alienated by things you say to them or say in their hearing to others. They may be young but they are listening!

If you have further questions, please ask her again and remind me of this interaction when you do.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

I wish you well.

January 31, 2015   106    Spouse/Partner  
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