Raining on every parade? Unable or unwilling to see any silver linings?
Always finding fault? Seeing what’s wrong long before seeing what’s right?
Yes, that’s what Hijackals™ do.
It’s frustrating, irritating, annoying, and depressing. A negative mindset is one of the hallmarks of a Hijackal™.
Watch the video below – there’s a transcript further down the page if you’d prefer to read along.
Transcript: Hallmarks of Hijackals: A Negative Mindset
© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor
Unfortunately Hijackals are usually having a negative turn of mind.
And when are they positive? Let’s go from that point. Well, they’re positive when they have control over you, when they have power over you, when everything is going their way; they have the world on a downhill slope and they are just running with it.
And one tiny little thing, one suspicion that you’re not onboard with them, one suspicion that you have the wrong look on your face or you said the wrong word in the wrong tone of voice and all of a sudden everything goes negative.
That’s what happens.
You’re thinking that you’re going to have an equitable exchange. You might make one tiny suggestion for something that might make it better, easier whatever… Remember the Hijackals can’t stand there being any fault pointed in his or her direction, so you go from that downward pull and everything is going wonderfully well to a negative turn of mind. “You’re just trying to ruin everything”; “you’ve always got to have your say”; “you’ve always got to put your oar in”; “nothing can be left alone, nothing is free of you putting your two cents worth in”. Does that sound familiar?
Now a lot of these things begin to meld together don’t they? And you realize that all of these Hijackal hallmarks all have things in common. But they do need to be mentioned as individual pieces otherwise you might miss the fact that all of these 10 things are happening.
In the next series after the Hallmarks Of Hijackals, I’ll talk about the strategies that they use on you. So that’s different than this. This is the way you identify a Hijackal.
Remember if you haven’t read Escaping The Hijackal Trap, the e-book that I wrote, it’s downloadable on Amazon, be sure that you do, because it goes so much more deeply into how you can recognize even finer little traits of Hijackals. That you can get in there and understand what’s going on more deeply. When you can understand it, you can see it. When you can see it you can have strategies that I’ll provide you with to do something about it.
They may work, they may not work – but they’ll work for you because you will begin to be assertive, you will begin to be on top of it, you will see it for what it is and stop taking it on board and making yourself feel beaten up and worn down because they’re there to tear you down and if you allow it they’ll just keep going so at a minimum let’s use these things to help you come to a place where you can stand by and have a little perspective and say “oh that’s a Hijcakal trait
I used to take it on as something that was wrong with me.”
No, it isn’t. It’s a Hijackal trait. Now you can observe it over there. You don’t have to take it on at all. And that’s what I want for you so right now we’re talking about the Hallmark of the Hijackal – that is their usual negative turn of mind.
And so when everything is going their way they are not negative. In fact they may seem a little manic. They may seem like “wow nothing has ever been wrong you’ve always been the perfect partner for me”. Because remember the all or nothing thinking but then there’s the rest of the time and they’re usually on the hunt for faults and problems and things that haven’t been done correctly or been done on time they love to use the words always and never as in you never do that for me and you always mess things up. We want to stay away from that language whether we are in a relationship with a Hijackal or not because none of does things “always” or “never”, that’s just a way to exaggerate an issue to make a point and it doesn’t serve us at all and our relationship so let’s just take “always” and “never” out of those conversations.
So if you want a Hijackal to take responsibility I’m sorry they’re not going to.
It would mean they admitted that they made a mistake and they’re not going to do that you know that already. They don’t make mistakes; they’re perfect and if you have the slightest perception that they may have made a mistake they’re happy to tell you how wrong you are and why, and again how you always are wrong and you shouldn’t be speaking up at any rate. So don’t expect a Hijackal to take responsibility, don’t expect him to apologize.
Now every now and again they will. and that’s just to throw you off the track it’s because they have something bigger that they want from you. So they’ll make a little concession and they’ll give you a sort of an apology. They don’t mean it but they can do it because they know that they’re playing a little longer game, a little longer gain, and so they’ll do it. But you’ll notice that if you say to them “will you apologize to me for that”, they’ll say “oh no, I never would have done that because nothing is my fault.”
So their viewpoints and their outlooks are usually negative. They’re defending themselves; they’re hypervigilant; they’re looking all the time for something that could be wrong so that it won’t come anywhere near them. so they’re always protecting their territory and making sure that nothing lands on them. They are the original Teflon people! Nothing will land. Everything slides off and they make sure that it slides off. And even if it should stick there is no Velcro there so it’s just going to fall off and back into your lap and that’s another hallmark of our favourites the Hijackals.