Hijackals™ HAVE to win. It feels like a life-or-death thing for them. Therefore, winning is a must!
It's not just that they're competitive, which they are. IF they were playing a game, they'd want to win for sure.
But this is life and they NEED to win.
Which means you have to lose. Everything has to be your fault, or someone else's, but never there's.
If belittling, degrading, lying, blaming, or shaming is required to win, a Hijackal will do it! And, s/he will not think twice about it, either.
Learn more about why winning is imperative to a Hijackal in this video.
Hijackals™ have a need to win. That's the number one hallmark of a Hijackal™.
That means that they have to be right. They have to be right about everything and if they happen to be wrong, they’ll make you wrong rather than ever admit that it is a possibility that they could be engaging in crooked thinking or even have forgotten something. That might be familiar to you because you think you have an agreement with your Hijackal™. You think you’ve talked something through and you both decided that this is the best course of action or this is what we're going to do. And it’s very, very clear to you and it seemed to you that it was very clear to your Hijackal. Then when the time comes - no! It doesn't happen in the way it was agreed and in fact when you bring it up and say “I thought we agreed on this” your Hijackal™ says “oh well there you go again not paying attention” or they put you down because they have this need to win.
Now it comes from a very, very important place. That place is that they are very fragile, as I said in the in the introduction. This fragility comes from their early childhood of having it be actually impossible for them to make a mistake.
When we were young and we are very impressionable we really needed those Giants, our parents, to keep us alive, to keep us surviving, to keep us happy. And maybe not happy … but at least alive and so we learn to adjust. We learn that we can’t make a mistake perhaps so we have some trauma around that. Or we are punished or neglected or abandoned. Things happen to us that imprint on us and can turn us into a person with Hijackal™ behaviors.
So that need to win, that need to be right, that need to be on top of everything, it is just a frantic, vigilant, horrible way to live. But they don't really realize that they're doing it. That's just the way they know to survive.
So to you, it feels really down putting - and it is!
But you have to recognize you're not responsible for that because they have this incredible need to win. But you know what I’m talking about. It can be a fine detail… you know, you’re relating a story in public to somebody. And the Hijackal™ knows the story, too. And they keep chiming in, telling you that you’re wrong. Or more likely, it’s going to happen at home. Because Hijackals™ often don’t show their stripes outside of the house.
I know in my situation, my mother was a very dysfunctional Hijackal™ and I’m an only child so no one knew what went on at my house. And I learned early on that if I try to tell someone about how mean she was and nasty and the abuse and other things that were going on at my house, they would say “oh dear, you can’t talk about your mother like that! She is the salt of the earth, she's wonderful, she does this, she does that.” So I learned early on that I couldn't even get some help and you may be finding that too because of the face your Hijackal™ puts on in the public realm, or at work, or in the community, or at church and everybody believes that you must be mistaken. So they have that need to win and in that case, they do win and they do it frequently. If this is seeming familiar to you, know that this is a hallmark of a Hijackal™. This is what they MUST do. They’re driven to win. And if you find it that's happening all the time don't confront them with their need to win. Don't give them the insight that you just got from what I said. Notice the behavior, observe it - don’t absorb it, observe it.
My friend, Ross Rosenberg, that’s his phrase: Observe, don’t absorb.
And it’s very important when you’re with a Hijackal™. Because you don’t want to be taking on this wrongness all the time. You are not wrong all the time. You’re not as they tell you that you are. They’re just doing that in order to win, to feel better about themselves, to be able to get up in the morning and look in the mirror.
So, remember, the hallmark of a Hijackal™ is the NEED to win and don’t take it on.