Something happens and you just KNOW it's not your fault. You do know where that fault lies. (And, several other people will probably agree with
But, what can you expect from the Hijackal™ in your life?
If you were hoping that your Hijackal would be responsible, accountable, or even, honest, it's not going to happen. You probably know better than to expect it by now, too.
This video will help you understand why this keeps happening. Knowing that can change your expectations, and your strategies.
(Transcript coming soon.)
You know that Hijackals™ never take responsibility. Even in the simplest things.
You would think it would just be so obvious that you forgot to do something - you didn't take your child to school, you forgot an event, you didn't consider your partner when you were making a decision - but no!
It's not obvious to them, they never take responsibility for anything.
They’ll make a promise to you, they’ll break it, and then they'll tell you that they never made the promise. They’ll make an agreement with you. You’ll go through all of the pieces of that agreement. When you think it's absolutely written in stone and you count on that agreement, they will step out of it and say “I never agreed to that”.
Whether the arrangements are casual or they’re formal they will still take no responsibility for them.
Say you have a child who’s having difficulty in school. All of a sudden that child becomes your responsibility. It had nothing to do with them and they shouldn't have to take any time out of their day to clean up your messes or to go around making themselves look bad at the school so it's not their responsibility. Absolutely not accountable.
And the flipside of that is, of course, all the things that we've been talking about about the hallmarks of Hijackals™. They are going to blame somebody else; they're going to find fault, they have to win, it’s all or nothing thinking.
In this case, I'm right and you're absolutely wrong. And they have no real empathy for you or the situation anyway so it's not going to go where you'd like it to go - which would be equitable and mutual. Something called partnership and they're incapable as well as unwilling to engage in anything that looks like partnership. A partnership which means there's give-and-take, there's compromise, there’s collaboration, there’s working together toward a common goal, there’s caring about what each other wants or needs and doing our best to facilitate that happening in our partner’s lives.
All of these things that I wrote about in my book, Kaizen For Couples, really wise for you to look in there because much of it is covered in what you want in a healthy relationship and how to move towards having one so everything is in the Kaizen For Couples book in that regard but if you been reading Escaping The Hijackal™ Trap and you know the traits and the situations that produce Hijackals™ then you know that they're not gonna take responsibility for anything and not for themselves in any capacity of us infuriating it's frustrating and makes you just want to turn your back on the whole thing and many people do a lot of my work is about helping people get skills and strategies they need to work with their Hijackal™ to see what can be changed and if nothing can be changed them to decide what you can do about it but living with the person who refuses to take responsibility for their words with actions their agreements their promises of their children is just very very difficult and I understand that I've been there and I think I've said many times in my writing and all that I was raised by Hijackals™ and naturally when you’re raised by Hijackals™ you're going to be a Hijackal™ magnetic, going to be Hijackal™ bait. Other Hijackals™ can see that you've been conditioned and they become very attracted to you. And because you've been normalized, you think it’s normal behaviour you don't see what’s wrong with them and then fortunately for me I woke up and gave my head a shake and took quite a while but by that time and married a Hijackal™, I had children and ended up divorcing a Hijackal™ and going through all the coparenting no responsibility.
In fact, I remember one day my ex-husband had had his son (our son) for the day, for the weekend actually, and he picked him up on Friday to return him Sunday night. In the middle of the afternoon on Saturday, I hear the screeching of tires and my ex’s car come into the driveway, came to a halt, door blows open, my son flung out and my ex says “I divorce him and I'm not having anything to do with him he's too difficult” and drove off. No responsibility at all.
There you go, I'm not having a good time it's your fault take this child back. Well you can imagine where the child learned the traits that he had and there he is being demonstrated what his worth is to his father. Very, very sad but no real empathy, no caring about what the child felt, just simply what was the Hijackals™ need at the moment which was to eliminate the frustration and get rid of the child so it's all in this refusal to take responsibility or accountability and they’re quick to say you should take responsibility. Just like in that example “there I don't want him you have him and you should take responsibility in fact, they’ll put you down for not being responsible for not being accountable are not catering to their needs or not remembering what they wanted, or needed, or said.
I'm sure this is all sounding familiar if you happen to have a Hijackal™ in your life. and this is the most basically if you're creating peace when you try to create a life together is that they have no willingness to take responsibility being never accept responsibility for what goes wrong you're almost everything that goes wrong is their responsibility and by the way, never expect to hear a sincere apology for anything from the Hijackal™. And there you go, just another one of those wonderful Hijackal™ Hallmarks.