Nothing prepared you for your partner–current or ex–masterminding with your children to turn them against you. After all the difficulties in your relationship, the lethal blow is struck when your children are lied to about you, and your ex colludes with them to reject you.
Nothing prepared you to being rejected or discarded by your adult children. Whether that is through the parental alienation created by a nasty ex, or by your adult children themselves, it hurts way too much.
I’m Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor, and I can help. I’ve been through it, and I can walk with you.
It’s a bit of a dark tunnel, but believe me, there is light at the end. Maybe not the light you most want, but light that allows you to have a full, rich happy life, no matter what is up with your children.
It’s not easy. The betrayal you feel seems insurmountable.
When your partner or ex engages in behavior designed to alienate your from your children, it is cruel…to both you and the children. It is as Richard Warshak says, “the cruelty of teaching children to hate those that love them,” and I would add, “and love those that use them.”
Hijackals–my term for relentlessly difficult people–do not have the capacity to love you, but they do have uses for you. Unfortunately, they have uses for their children as well. Most commonly, that use is to win them over to control them, directly and subversively. They don’t particularly want the children, but they lust after the control!
Not all rejecting is done by Hijackals. Your adult child, for instance, can be married to a person who wants all your child’s attention for his/her self. That third party is demanding, distracting, and dangerous to your relationship. Too often that third party wins. Your child want to create a family and the threat of that not being possible if s/he doesn’t cut you out of the picture wins! The third party wins! And, you lose.
It is SO disappointing when your adult children cut you out of their lives. It just wasn’t supposed to be like that, right? You were supposed to continue your extended family, and thoroughly enjoy doting on your grandchildren.
Yet, no more. If you do see the grandchildren, it is when convenient to your adult children, and likely even those arrangements fall short or fall through. Control! That’s the name of the game. And, you and your grandchildren miss out completely on a very important of emotional development in a very important time of life for everyone.
If your ex has built a case against you in the eyes of your children, I’m sorry. It’s so hard. There is much you can do, though, and it’s best to start right away in healthy, effective ways.
My newest book, Alienated By Love, will be published in Spring, 2017. Until then, though, I’ll be blogging and writing on these topics.
Join my closed Facebook group, Optimize Life! (name cleverly disguised to throw Hijackals off the scent) now.
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
The Relationship Help Doctor