Ambiguity | Hallmarks Of A Hijackal™

relationship videosHijackals™ traffic in uncertainty. They leave everything as vague as possible so they won't be able to be nailed down.

You know that's true if you're with one.

Even when you make an agreement--or, think you've made an agreement--they will quickly tell you that you misunderstood. Right?

Because they have to win in each moment, the truth for Hijackals is in the moment they are speaking. If they have a new truth five minutes later, they will be equally committed to that. And, they'll have no trouble telling you that you were wrong, are wrong, or are always wrong!

Learn this about Hijackals because, if you don't, you'll put all your eggs in non-existent baskets, and be very disappointed...often.

Why this is so for Hijackals is important to understand. This video will help.
(transcript below)

Hijackals traffic in uncertainty. They love to create chaos, they love to be vague, to not give you an answer. Why? Because it gives them power over you. So, if you are left wondering if you are left unclear, they have power.

And they want to maintain that power at all costs. So they traffic in uncertainty and they have a very questionable relationship with the truth. And you’ve likely experienced that.

They are purposefully and intentionally vague, they are non-committal, they won't make a final agreement if they can possibly avoid it - and if they do they're probably going to pretend that they didn't and do what they want anyway. But is very important to notice how they set things up so that you are never secure. You are never absolutely sure.

There's always an element of chaos there. There's always something could go wrong and it probably will because “I can’t nail that down”. They will not nail that down. And that’s very intentional on their part.

Not that they’re doing all these things that they do and the behaviours that they have, the traits they’ve acquired are intentional but is very intentional for them to protect themselves by not nailing things down so then they are not beholden to them. The flip side is that you are always in a certain amount of uncertainty.

And they like that because of that power over you. And they’re very slippery. They’re slippery with the language that they choose, you’ve probably noticed that.

You say to them “what does that mean” and then they make you wrong for not understanding them. They're slippery with things about you; they’re slippery with things about them and with the facts. They can say something is absolutely a fact one day and you mention it the next day and they say “I never said that”.

I know it happens! You can watch it on television, it happens in the political arena it happens all over the place... “oh no I never said that”.

It just leaves you shaking your head.

And you wonder whatever is going on in that mind? And I hope you're beginning to get a sense from these Hallmarks of Hijackals™ of what to watch the hijackers what is going on over there and why it's going on.

Now, boundaries then become extremely important when you're in a relationship with a Hijackal™ because you want to demonstrate your certainty, your absolute bottom line. And Hijackals™ choose people who have very wishy-washy, permeable boundaries; ones that can be pushed aside or cajoled or changed in order to get them to feel that you are on their side.

So they’re very porous boundaries and you have to have very strong boundaries if your with a Hijackal™.
And it’s likely they chose you because you didn’t! Hopefully, you’re getting some now because, that’s what healthy people do. In order to be assertive you have to have boundaries. You have to clarify your boundaries, know why you have them, choose them carefully, express them and maintain them no matter what.

This becomes really a bit more important if you happen to be the ex of a Hijackal™ and you're co-parenting. Because the parenting plan will come up and, hopefully, you had some help. I always help my clients write their parenting plan, to make it as absolute as possible. That the dates, the times, the drop off point, what will happen on every single holiday no matter whether you celebrate it or not, everything is nailed down. Then you stick to it.

You stick, stick, stick to it!

Now, in an amicable divorce, of course you’re going to accommodate your partner and they’re going to accommodate you and it’s all in the best interests of the children and it’s all equal and lovely but in a Hijackal™ case, no, no, no.

The children are pawns and messengers and weapons of war. They are not thinking about the best interests of the children. They’re just the way they were before you left them - they’re thinking of what is in the best interests of them themselves.

And so when you have a co-parenting plan, you have to become absolutely firm. No. That’s the way it is, even if it causes you inconvenience.

And I know that’s difficult. And you probably have that wonderful spirit that says “well if I do this for my partner (or my ex) then my partner will do something for me.” No! No! No!

The deal is to get you to do more and more, and bend more, and accommodate more and more and you’ll get more resentful and they’ll get what they want.

So, whether you’re staying in a relationship with a Hijackal, your mother was a Hijackal or you’re in a co-parenting relationship with a Hijackal, you have to have well expressed, clear boundaries and you have to maintain them.
I think I’ve told you stories about my mother. My mother was a Hijackal.

I was 40 years old and she told me “go downstairs and get that bucket.” And I just sat there. And I said “excuse me?” She said “go downstairs and get that bucket”. And I said “excuse me?” She said “you heard me. Go downstairs and get the bucket.”

I said “you know Mom, nobody that stays in my life gives me orders.” Big pause. She said to me “go downstairs and get the bucket. … Please.” It was a start.

Because she needed to be absolutely in charge. And I needed to have boundaries. As an adult child of a Hijackal™, I was responsible for putting those boundaries in place. That’s just a small example of what happens.

Hijackals have a fear of abandonment. And what could be more of an abandonment, whether they started it or not, than having a divorce? So there’s going to be the fear factor that’s there. And it’s triggered even more by the divorce so then they seek revenge and retribution. And that’s why you have to be absolutely strong.

So back to the Hallmark of the Hijackal™ - they traffic in uncertainty. Keeping you uncertain, not sure what’s going to happen, when it will happen, if it will happen. And if that is happening frequently in your relationship, it’s highly likely that you are with a Hijackal™.

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